November 15, 2000


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November 15, 2000

Feedback@People Helping People

“There are those unfortunates…”

Dear Mark,

Thank you for such a wonderful program and your honesty in dealing with the disease of addiction.

I have listened to your program for the past couple of years and have gained a wealth of knowledge.

Tonight I am alone due to the death of my alcoholic (husband of 23 years).

When I had arrived at home after attending a conference and he did not show to pick me up. I received a ride from a friend and was unable to enter my home.

I contacted the local police and they entered my home and found him deceased in the bathroom. After piecing everything together I discovered that he had begun drinking sometime on Friday and his heart stopped.

The progression was incredible to witness, even with the meetings (Three a week) and group sessions within a treatment facility as an aftercare program.

I know that he wanted to want to be sober and I believe that shame kept him from being brutally honest with himself and others.

I have attended Al-anon for the past eleven years and know that the program helped to save my sanity and probably my life. I wanted sooooo much to help him get and keep sobriety, but came to believe that this was not my responsibility. I do not feel guilty that I was out of town; just incredibly sad that the conclusion was tragic.

The disease of alcoholism takes many victims and the legacy of a death certificate stating the cause of death as "acute alcohol intoxication" is least what I wanted for any of his family.

I thank God that he was home and that innocent others were not involved in his destructive behaviour.

I was totally honest about his disease at the memorial and the service and all of his workmates were surprised.( work was his competence). I presented his AA group with a framed picture of "The Work", a lithograph from Hazelden and some of his AA books to hand out to those who needed them. I hope that this honesty will help others to see the insidious nature of a terrible disease, which has the potential to be arrested through honesty and humility.

I hate the disease of alcoholism, but truly loved an alcoholic (perhaps an unfortunate).

Keep talking and giving and caring and may God Bless your every effort of honest communication, so others may live.

Sincerely,

Janet

What's not to like about a Codependent?

Hello Mark

First off, thank you for your show.

I heard you start a show last week (Nov 6-10) and you mentioned the signs of an alcoholic (or a person in addiction). You mentioned blame, and a bunch of other ones. Could you repeat them for me?

I am currently separated from my wife who grew up in a family where Dad was (is) an alcoholic. This continues to affect their family dynamic and has led me to separate from my wife because she is in denial and I was/is a co-dependant.

My therapist taught me that an alcoholic family lives in a triangle. There is the persecutor, the victim and the saviour, guess which role I played.... the saviour. She does not want to attend family therapy and tells me that all our problems are my fault. That's okay because I now understand where she is coming from and I am realizing that I have to get on with my life. I can't keep saving her.

Listening to your show gives me strength during times when I start feeling weak and want to fall back to old circumstances.

Can you do a show on how families and children of alcoholics/addicts are affected?

Do you have any resources on your web site that might help me?

I enjoy markelliot.com and anonymousone.com, and I am just starting to investigate and read these sites.

Thanks again
Ron

Denial, perfectionism, and blame are the terrible trio of controlling behaviors. An addicted person moves into a controlling stance as a reaction when their life starts falling apart. What happens is that as we "lose control" because of the alcoholic behavior and begin to suffer real losses in our lives, we compensate for it in other ways by controlling the people, places and things around us.

I like your therapists' analogy of the triangle "persecutor - victim - savior." However, I've seen too many cases where the savior is missing. More codependency situations where it's "persecutor - martyr"

Sounds like your wife isn't ready to look at alternatives yet. So be it. Your own health is what you rightly should be concerned with. Look at the resources on the Codepency page at www.markelliot.com and contact any of the groups listed. I found my own understanding came from reading up on the subject, and the books listed on the page are ones that helped me find an understanding for myself. Get involved in a group...it will help! Good Luck!

I want a new drug...

My mom is currently using MORPHINE as a pain reliever for her back. Her doctor would like to switch her to METHADONE or BUPRENORPHINE.

My mom doesn't know if she should make this switch and no one seems to know the answers to the questions we have. If you could send us some information about these drugs to help us make a decision it would be SO MUCH appreciated.

Thanks,

Cassandra

I forwarded your question to Dr. Mark Greenberg who specializes in addiction medicine. Here's his reply.

Mark,

This is a very interesting letter. I have many questions that require answers.

First, why is her mother on morphine? What kind of back pain would necessitate this kind of pain relief? Is the person getting pain relief?

Is this a primarily addiction issue or pain issue?

It is my suspicion that this woman has become addicted to morphine via an escalating cascade, which probably started with milder pain relievers.

These questions must be answered before making any therapeutic decisions.

If the pain is malignant in nature then pain is the primary issue and this would have to be dealt with in the realm of chronic pain medicine.

The primary interest now with this drug (Buprenorphine) is its use in detox from heroin etc.

I hope this helps.

Best regards,

Mark Greenberg MD

How many times do you have to Relapse to be an Alcoholic?

I was listening to your program last night. I was shocked when you mentioned that everyone had a first relapse. I have been sober for 78 days & I don't plan on having a relapse. Sometimes I disagree with advice that you give callers but that's life.

My life of abusing liquor was very tame compared to other stories that I hear at meetings. It was not how much I drank but what I felt like after the first drink. I would consume about a bottle a week but do it in the first 2 days after my husband purchased it. The bottle would be a 26er Usually the rest of the week I would do without.

I had lots of blackouts. My kids would die if they knew that I was going to AA, as they never saw me under the influence. My husband & a very good friend of 40yrs knows.

When I told my friend about going to AA, she was shocked. She said that she never saw me drunk. I guess that I was a closet drinker.

Will keep listening to your program.

God bless you & keep the faith-

Please don't use my real name

Thank you

You heard what I said, but you heard it wrong...

I said, the first time I realized I was an alcoholic was when I was 16. I questioned whether or not I had a problem with alcohol and asked the question: "Could I be an alcoholic?" It didn't seem to make sense for a 16-year-old boy to be a drunk when all I'd ever seen of alcoholics was old men on skid row.
According to one of my counsellors, every time I took a drink after that realization counts as "a relapse."

Realizing that we have a problem and doing something about it usually takes a l-o-n-g time. In my case, another 17 years to face my alcoholism when I was 33.
What I said was, "No one gets it on the first try."

The point you make about other peoples' perceptions is a good one. A lot of us have had people say things like: "I never saw you drunk!"

I think every alcoholic should get the Academy Award for the great job of acting that we do!

Congratulations on 78 days! Keep at it!

Mark Elliot is the host of “People Helping People”. An openline talkshow about addictions and recovery heard Nightly on C.F.Y.I. Talk 640, Toronto & AM 800 CKLW Windsor/Detroit. Online at www.markelliot.com