Letters

This is the letter which originally appeared Thu, 10 Nov 2005 in the Stratford (Ontario) City Gazette. Listener response when it was read on People Helping People was overwhelming and it is reprinted here...

CRYSTAL METH IS WORSE THAN ANY OF US REALIZE

This was written by a young girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to crystal meth. She wrote this while in jail. She fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail but true to her story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm. Please keep praying.

This thing is worse than any of us realize...

Dee Leifso

Child & Youth Counsellor

Stratford

I am meth

I destroy homes, I tear families apart,

I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,

I live all around you - in schools and in towns

I live with the rich, I live with the poor,

I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,

I can be made under the kitchen sink.

In your child's closet, and even in the woods,

If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,

I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome, try me you'll see,

But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,

But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,

You do what you have to - just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms

Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad,

When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,

I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,

I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,

I'll be with you always - right by your side.

You'll give up everything - your family, your home,

Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,

When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned - this is no game,

If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,

I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,

The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,

I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,

That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,

But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen, many times you were told,

But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,

If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you will be my slave,

I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?

Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,

Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

- - Judy West

Hey Mark,
I can't sleep, and haven't to be quite honest since I can't remember when. I know you talk to so many people and probably find it hard to remember everyone who calls in on Friday nights.....but I'm hoping you will remember me. I called ya while driving up north on the 400...It's (Name Withheld), I asked you how do you know when you have done all you can do and it's time to move on................you had given me and all the listeners the advice that you can only provide info to the ones you love and the rest is up to them.........I had explained that I had to initiate a separation with my husband given his inability to as I have called it "straighten up and fly right" not sure you know the old song.........but I see the need to get drunk or high as flying with out a net........Anyway..........we chatted about phone calls I kept receiving and how I was suggesting that he would need to go to AA or a similar program and that I figured he would need to get a sponsor or councilor or therapist or the like..........I have felt guilty about our separation and have not been having a good time of it............anyway...............the reason for my email and my reaching out is that on Sept 1st at 4:00am in the morning I heard the doorbell of my house.........Of course I'm furious and figure it is my husband.......I am pissed off............why are you coming around at frigin 4:00am and waking me up.............I only wish that it was true............I was greeted by two OPP officers and told the worst news...............he had been killed in a fatal car accident..............of course I'm thinking they are wrong............how.............are you sure.............where was this............we don't know people way over there...........are you sure someone did not borrow his car.............well.............all my answers were no...............of course I am surprisingly calm with the news and explain to the men in uniform that we have had issues in the marriage and he is living at another location..............they were not happy to hear this news as this meant they were going to have to go and disappoint yet another house at such an early hour..............
Anyway Mark.............I am now dealing with a whole new set of issues.........As you asked me on the call that August long weekend night........"Do you Love him"............and of course my answer was Yes................Mark..............I feel awful..........I know from my studying the disease and my research of addiction of not just the typical drug of alcohol, but also street drugs and Rx drugs and gambling and the like that it is out of our hands as too what the addict will chose next in his next minute, hour, day, week, month, year...........Mark.........it does not make me feel any better telling myself I did what was right..........I was sick from his behaviour...........I had a nervous breakdown, I dealt with panic attacks and anxiety, I have required anti-depressants for like 3 yrs now.............I had to take a stand.............but as you can see from by original call to you and this email as my follow up...........I'm dealing big time with the guilt of having to finally say "NO" your behaviour is not acceptable in our marriage.........you need to deal with your demons........all of them...........the ones from when you were wee little, the teenage ones, the young adult ones and the new ones you would not deal with as a newly married man........Mark...........I guess I have the co-dependency thing labeling me........I have Melanie's book........I read it and I figured........I'm capable and creative and I can "fix him".........ha ha ha...........looks like no one has as much power as that in the bottle.
Mark........I'm in between families homes and they are trying to keep me busy and trying to take care of me with food and reminding me to take my meds etc.........this email acct is not mine and actually I don't even have a computer.........so I'm wondering if you might email me back here by tomorrow. I am only here til 1:00pm and then I am on to the next family crew who is going to cook and clean and love me to death....no pun intended..........I have a wicked sense of humour and it has been trying to get me thru this most horrific of out comes in a life that was charismatic and charming and yet so tormented and troubled and I had no ability to reach him...........even as his wife I had no power......it is mind boggling to me that I was not able to do or say something that could have turned it around for him.
Mark I'm thinking I might need to see ya.........I have a regular old psychologist that I have been hooked up with since Jan 2005............but the addiction piece and the why of the world of a multiple addicted personality and the inability to stop and see that all that I am and all that we had he still selected that over me...........
I don't have a voicemail either..........gee..........I guess I didn't want him to keep bugging me.
If at all possible even if you can just flip back an email that let's me know that you rec'd this that would be reassuring for me.
I have planned a long trip away...........I don't want to go home, I don't want to go to work as that is where we meet.
I have family and friends all out West so I have talked about going out there for like 4-5wks to chill and avoid the reality I must face as a widow of 38?????
Thanks Mark.

Thanks for all your wise words, I am not a night owl and occasionally I have been up on Friday nights driving here or there and have caught your show.......keep up the good work and I wil probably continue listening as some of the topics are relative for people who are not dealing with demons.
ciao

Got the message.
Sorry to hear the news!
Call me at 416.928.2225 and we'll talk.

Hi Mark,

One of my good friends told me a little bit about you and the show you have on the radio in the evening. I understand you had a gambling problem. Well let me tell you Mark, never in a million trillion years, did I ever think I'd have a gambling addiction. You know there are steps, a social gambler, a serious gamble, a problem gambler, and a pathological gambler. I am somewhere between problem and pathological. I am not to the point of asking people for money or stealing money or selling things to gamble....thank God for that. I started going in the mid-90's when Rama Casino opened. My aunt asked me and I'd never ever seen a slot machine before and I won $100.00 right away. I believe an early win is a sign of addiction....if a person goes for the first time and wins $10,000, it is the most dangerous thing to happen to someone depending on the person and their lifestyle.

I am in debt about $40,000, first it was $1000, then $2000, then $10,000 and it just escalated unbeknownst to my husband. He does not even like the word G for gambling. He is against it 100% and believes casino should not have been brought here. Let me tell you something: if he knew how much I owed....he would have an instant heart attack. We just bought a house last year in March and we worked hard at it....we lost the first house we bought because of personal reasons to do with relatives....now he is so proud of this house and happy to have one and not living in a glorified jail as he calls it (condo-style)...if he knew how much I owed, I would probably be sleeping on a park bench for the rest of my life. He does not believe in wasting money ESPECIALLY through gambling. Thank God he hates gambling or we would be in big trouble.

I guess my concern is: Recently I went to the bank and consolidated my debts and now have no credit cards and I have also lowered my overdraft protection to half....but now I am paying $365 every two weeks out of my cheque for 5 years...it's like owning a car and at the end, not showing anything for it...I could never tell my husband this, because I feel this is all my fault and my stupidity and I should handle this on my own and spare him the agony...and if I did tell him, he may throw it in my face all the time or he would lose complete trust in me forever and I wouldn't blame him. He's not the type that can say, "let's sit down and talk about this and see how best to deal with this".....that would be a dream come true...he would get very angry especially at the beginning of finding out.

My concern is: what do you think I should do, tell him in person, write him a letter so he can read it and not scream at me in the middle of a conversation and then he can take in what he has read, think about it and then talk to me, or JUST NOT TELL him at all? I feel it is my fault and I don't want to burden him...If I can wait till 5 years is up, paid for, never go to the casino, then I'm doing great...but that urge to go the casino is so damn high especially when my husband is away - he goes hunting a lot and I am left alone a lot and that is a huge trigger especially when I have the car and I'm alone, and stressed at work...major factors.

If you were married and your wife had the same problem as me, what would you want her to do - tell you in person, keep it to herself, write a note??? I just want to deal with this in the right manner, if there is such a thing.

Can you please let me know exactly when your show is on, days, times, etc....sounds like a great show and I am looking forward to talking to you.

The first thing I learned at Gamblers Anonymous was: I am responsible.
Are you in GA yet? If not, join! You need help to deal with the problem you're facing. You've made a commitment to stop gambling. Great! But, don't do it alone. GA is an organization of people just like yourself who have paid one of the highest initiation fees for any club, anywhere.
Because you are responsible you will pay off your debts in an orderly fashion and put your life in order again. You will go from being buried by irresponsible gambling to financial freedom - which is a positive goal. You are buying your freedom from slavery to your addiction.
Not knowing your husband, I have to take your word this would be devastating to him. Step Nine of recovery tells us we "should make amends to others, except when to do so would injure them..." I would prefer to wait for you to carry out part one, joining GA, getting a sponsor, and making a start on a program of recovery first before telling him something devastating. If you can afford $365 every two weeks without him noticing it - If you can get therapy by working with GA attending regular meetings - Stay away from the casino for 5 years, and take advantage of other resources like personal counseling to help with your problem - (a lot of "if's) Then you can do this successfully. The other alternative is to continue gambling compulsively and dig a deeper hole. The $365 you pay every two weeks is a tough burden to carry. But, how much were you paying the casino? You always found the money to gamble, didn't you?
You have an awareness of what the problem is. The job looks formidable, but if you do this right and follow the GA program you will quickly discover a freedom you have never known! All compulsive gamblers have been down this road and we've all had our day of reckoning. The good part is that we have good people in GA to help and understand us because we've all been there and know what it feels like!
Try not to look at it as "a tragic ending" but a hopeful beginning! It will get better, I promise!
Good luck!

Dear Mark
I am really glad your on the radio, and your topic on Fridays are a big
part of my listening to you. Drugs and alcohol have taken its toll on
my life and I'm like a time bomb waiting for my next binge to happen. I
am living in my ex wife's basement she does not help me financially any
more . But I have managed to hang on to my job for the past 8 years , I
make really good money and am ashamed to say I throw most of it away on
binging on coke. If i haven't hit bottom yet I must have fallen right
threw because I've lost so much including my dear little kid brother.
I'm 34 years old and have been an addict for 8 years . Do you think I
can clean up without going into rehab and if so what can I do to make
this happen? And yes I do realize how powerful this garbage is?

I can't say what can or can't be done without evaluating you first. Every addict seems to think "I can do it on my own." Yet we try and try to quit on our own, only to fail again.

An addict is scared because life in an addiction is full of very real dangers. Yet, we are even more afraid of treatment and recovery. "Giving up" what we've known means moving into a place where we feel we have no control...as if we have any in the addiction? A program of recovery is all new to us, and the fears can be overwhelming - But rewarding when we realize later that we were on a treadmill to nowhere in the addiction.

I've included my phone number in the reply and I'll be happy to speak with you, and I'm doing that because I know how powerful cocaine is. The way I keep myself from going back is by working with people like yourself. You remind me of where I was - A place I'm glad to be free from!

Hi Mark

I have always admired you and your "straight arrow" approach to people who dance
around their addictions when they call in. You are not on now, and what I need to ask
is way to long for a radio program!

I have no clue what to look for re: a drugged up child (22), but after many aside
insinuations from his probation officer, other sources that could not be verified
my son's contact at his program for education told me straight out "David needs
to de-toxify. This did not come as a shock - just a deep disappointment as it
seems at every turn he is hurting himself with very negative thoughts (and music).

David is 22 and was a very cheerful, loving child. We emigrated to Canada
when he was 4 and the family - my husband, David and me -
have struggled to keep our heads above water ever since. This has been mainly
financial. We do have a nice little home. David had a very difficult schooling - he was ADHD and when I should have been helping him, I was getting supper and he was playing - when
I did try and work with him there was always a fight. I probably gave up too soon.
The pattern of "me letting David down" seems to play out a lot - and feel very
guilty for my part. I grew up in a Christian home, no foul language (all girls - 4)
all very safe and secure. My husband is an only child who did not have parent
good with good parenting skills but he has been a good father.

In the past 4 years David has not managed to hold down a job for more than a
month or two, and in the last 2 years this has go worse. It has always been the
employers' fault, which I did not buy and I told him so. Unfortunately when I
confront him with, what I think is the truth the is denial, raised voice and he
walks out.

David is eligible for Legal Aid and has a court appearance coming up.
I hope to have a lawyer lined up for him before that date. He has a
psychiatric assessment appointment slated for the end of the month. He is also
eligible for disability pension.

I have tried to find the web site for Homewood in Guelph as I feel that would
be the best place for him. He has not eaten healthily since about the age
of 19. I don't know HOW to get a 22 year old adult/child into a home without
his consent. As you can see I seem to be writing in circles as that is how
I feel, hopeless even though there are wonderful people working with us
to help David, but at the moment he does not seem to want the help
that is needed.

If you have ANY SUGGESTIONS I would love to hear from you. Thank you
for doing great programs - especially your Friday 'People helping people".
Oh, I forgot to tell you, David seems to have a gambling bent as well -
I would say he has an addictive personality. He is showing signs of being
very like his Grandmother on my husband's side - psychotic liar,
alcoholic with a very self centered, selfish attitude.

Yours in desperation
Mom In Trouble

A couple of questions first:
1) How does David live, and where? Is he at home?
2) Where does he get money from?
3) Has he ever had treatment for addiction?

1) How does David live, and where? Is he at home?
He lives at home and cannot pay board or lodging - also he
is a very picky eater - he is near 6' and grossly under weight -
he has always been on the lower end of the "norm" but now
it's below.
> 2) Where does he get money from?
His Dad!!! and friends who he then has to pay back. He has
a huge debt to pay back as well.
> 3) Has he ever had treatment for addiction?
No - he went to a psychiatrist back in 1992 because he
lost all his hair - the hair has not come
back on his head. He does have a little facial hair.

Thanks very much for answering my e-mail. I am going
to try and get David to phone a local social agency - not sure what
this organization is about, but I am sure it is good -
recommended by his counselor - who vied away from
the suggestion of him going to Homewood - I still think
that would be a good way to go.

Unfortunately you gave me the answers I was expecting. Parents seem to be the last ones to know that they are the impediment to their children getting the help they need. In this case David has no motivation to seek help, and why should he?
He has a home (he doesn't pay for), money (he does nothing to earn), food to eat (and you to worry whether or not he eats enough of it), and a medical condition which is not life threatening (but, which is enough to gain your eternal sympathy for his plight).
Sorry to say it, but you are standing in the way of him ever doing anything to change.
4 out of 5 addicts only seek help when they are homeless.
You have to learn to stop doing for him what he can and should be doing for himself. Something which is taught in Al-Anon Family Groups. You are tolerating inappropriate behavior for a 22 year old man and letting him run roughshod over your real care and concern. He has no reason to be independent and motivated to find help.
You need to take steps for yourselves to find help, because right now you're the only ones who want it.
Contact Al-Anon at 416-410-3809.
Homewood offers not just alcoholism counselling and addiction support. It's also one of the best psychiatric facilities in the world! But, David won't make any move to go there until you force your hand and stop allowing him to stay at home, do what he wants and live without any consequences.
Get help with Al-Anon. When you do you'll better understand what has to be done.

Find more about Homewood at: http://www.homewood.org/healthcentre/main.php?tID=0

Hi Mark

I phoned your program last Friday night and asked you about two friends of mine. One is a Crack addict who thinks he can still drink and the other is primarily alcoholic but is addicted to other drugs as well. He has done the twelve steps and is now reaching out to others but he has problems with an obsessive depression and I asked you whether paxil would be harmful for him if it were prescribed by a doctor. You were very helpful with both questions and now I have another.

Another young man whom I know has an addiction to percodets. He has taken the long treatment course at Stonehenge in Guelph but still has serious relapses. To make matters worse he has recently been diagnosed as bi-polar. I met him along with the other addict friends I have when he was in pre-treatment at Ozanam in Toronto. It was my practice to drive people who wanted rides to AA, NA and CA meetings and as well as church on Sundays. I was richly rewarded for my efforts by gaining some pretty fine friends but this young man has relapsed badly and is going back to Stonehenge. My question to you is this. During treatment everyone was on the Twelve Step program and it is my understanding that most of the actual treatment centres, even if though they don't necessarily use the Twelve Steps as part of their program encourage them nonetheless. The major exception I have encountered is Stonehenge. Evidently they have a completely different program.

My friend was in Stonehenge for about six months as I remember but it doesn't seem to have helped him. Of course this doesn't mean that their program isn't good but this man hasn't gone to any twelve step meetings since he got out of Stonehenge. He says that Stonehenge has other meetings he can go to. Can you tell me what is the nature of the treatment at Stonehenge so that at least I would be familiar with it when I talk to this man. I have a great admiration for the Twelve steps and I understand they have the best results but I know nothing about Stonehenge. I would appreciate any information you can give me.

Sincerely

David

I'm not very familiar with the treatment program at Stonehenge, so I'm the wrong person to ask.
Why don't you call them and ask?
I'm sure they'll gladly provide all the information you need. www.stonehengetc.com

Hello,
A friend has referred me to your show and suggested that i email you for advice on my situation.
I am 18 years old, and I have very strong anti drug opinions. My problem, at least 95% of all of my friends, and my boyfriend of two years, use drugs. Some just smoke pot socially, and others are unfortunately addicted to harder substances. I try not to press my view on my friends, but when it comes to my boyfriend, it is hard not to. I'm frequently upset over his usage and when i confront him, all he does is tell me to mind my business and let him be his own person. Almost everyone around me is a user or has used a drug, and i can't deny that i'm feeling the peer pressure. I frequently upset over the issue, and...it has no become such an obsession that all my friends activities effect my daily mood. I'm sick of feel like this. I feel that i am dehumanizing my friends and the love of my life, and i don't want to. These are just my values. Sometimes i think that if i just tried it..i would see what everyone was so excited about... and my anxiety would disappear...thus ending the anxiety in my relationships. But i can't give up my values. I'm torn. My values are mentally killing me, and my friendships, but how can i give up on something that defines me? Any advice on how i can find neutral ground in my relationships, and find inner peace with this would be greatly appreciated.

Too bad your friends and your boyfriend don't respect your right to say "No." Last time I checked you were entitled to your beliefs and they were to be respected as much as anyone elses.
It would be sad if you took up their challenge and found yourself enjoying drugs - Too many of us give in and say "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and end up in a place not of our own choosing.
I have to question why you've attached yourself to people who have such differing views?

You are affected by your relationship with someone who is using drugs - And not in a good way. Addiction is a communicable disease affecting everything and everybody around it. An addicted person has one priority in their life - Drugs. There is no second place. That's why things get strained.
At 18, you obviously have a lot of common sense.
Your views deserve respect, as much as the druggies demand and expect respect for themselves!
You deserve it too!
Friendships and relationships are give and take. You can't just give and never get back! That means you're being used. Personally, I have friends who respect me and vice-versa. I don't tell them what they can or cannot do. But, what we have in common is a trust and respect for each other.
Neither can I tell my partner what he can or can't do. But, we have an understanding and respect for each other and choose to be together because of shared values and mutual interests.
Sounds like you may need to explore other avenues to meet new people who are more in line with who and what you are.
What do you plan to do with your life?
What are your interests? Likes and dislikes?
If you find your needs aren't being met by the people you're with, you may want to look elsewhere and find others who appreciate who you really are! (They do exist. Believe me)
Whatever you do, don't give up your values for the sake of a druggie...It's not worth it!

Hi Mark,

I have been listening to your program and enjoy it very much.

I know you are a survivor of childhood abuse. I was wondering if you know
of any support groups for partners of male sexual abuse?. My partner had
been dealing with memories of it and left me seven months ago after ten
years together. I have not been able to find any support groups for
partners.

Thank you

Barbara

You'll find a link on the main page for the Canadian Centre for Abuse Awareness, a group which deals with Sexual Abuse survivors themselves. Contact them at 905-967-0687 and they may have what you are looking for. Otherwise get a referral to a counsellor specializing in sexual abuse to help you deal with the problems you are having.

A survivor of sexual abuse can have the same kind of distorted thinking which baffles the spouses of addicts or alcoholics. We "think backwards" - meaning you give us a compliment and we take it as an insult. You tell me I'm a good person, but I hear a negative message - "I'm worthless and only a fool would think otherwise."

I use the analogy of a Groucho Marx joke: "I can't belong to any club that would accept me as a member" to describe the way it felt to face relationships as a sexual abuse survivor until I got help. A lose/lose scenario that allowed no one to win - Neither myself nor anyone who cared about me.

There's a great book by Dr. Mic Hunter called Abused Boys: Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse in which he looks at problems faced by partners and victims. It's definitely worth reading!

Hi Mark, the man with the golden voice and heart of gold,

I have tried your exercise about asking friends what my good points are and I have started to tell myself these things everyday.

At first , it felt awkward, and I couldn't believe them, slowly, I am starting to feel what I tell myself is true.

From there, I have been challenging myself to do the things I fear. For example cooking for my friends, and spending money on myself, for new clothes,

Nothing fancy, just new. Haven't bought anything new in many years.

In short, I am feeling a lot better lately. Just wanted to say thank you, Mark, for your idea.

PS- I've also been spending more time away from an abusive home situation, (emotional abuse) which was wearing me down to a frazzle.

I can honestly say that I don't deserve to be treated like a slave or a door mat.

And, that's a good thing,

God Bless, Lynn

Hi Mark, I love your show, in particular People helping People. I am hoping you might have time to answer a question for me. I have no idea who else to ask. My daughters fiances father has invited both of them and all of his immediate family to his AA 5 year celebration. By the way he also enjoys your show, and is very open about his attendance and support of AA.

My daughter (23 years old) has no idea what to expect at the meeting and wondered if it was appropriate to bring a gift for the celebration? She thought she might get a pen engraved although she is not sure what wording would be appropriate. What is expected of the family at the meeting? Are gifts or cards presented at the meeting? Is the family expected to participate in any way?

Thank you sincerely if you can offer any words of advice to tell them what to expect.

Marnie

The most important thing for a celebration of this kind is having the family there. It's not inappropriate to give a gift, so your daughter should feel free to do so.
A celebration meeting like this is a way to show others that the program works, and having family on hand is a dramatic way of making the point. You may be asked to participate in some small way and can take the opportunity to express your feelings about his accomplishment and what it means to your life.
Expect a wonderful evening with very happy, grateful people who will be proud to have you as their guests!
Enjoy!

Mark: Searched for a few days and finally found this page! I need your help, to help someone dear and special. This young man (now 50), has suffered the loss of his mother, and 2 sisters each, a year apart. His treasured friend, my son was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Three years ago, the prognosis was 2 months! Steve, my son's friend, was/is there for him. Now, Steve courageously told me he is an addict (cocaine), about to loose everything! Family members have deserted him, but my son (Bill) and me, never will. Steve is undergoing therapy (H.A.L.T.)...not certain yet, what is involved. The company he works for pays for this therapy. Aside from talking, and encouraging Steven, is there anything else I can do...along with my caring and love? I am not religious, but, I think, more spiritually minded. I quoted him Joshua 1:9, which 'moved' him deeply. Unable to be briefer, but explanation is required. Help me to help Steven. I wish for you...a kind and gentle future. Thank you for all you do. God Bless. Anne (a concerned 'substitute' mom)

Wish I had a simple explanation of what's going on. The addict needs to want help for himself. If so there are many, many resources he can turn to including myself for direction on how to get off cocaine. Again, he has to want it for himself.
There are many programs available covered by OHIP. A directory can be found at the website of the Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment http://www.dart.on.ca/

hi mark
i listen to your show and reframe from calling you as you hang up on people 
that question you
i am contacting you before your superiors as i am a fair person
you have to stop promoting queer activities (gay) what does gay  GAY stand 
for?
for a thousand years gay ment happy
dont split hairs on the spelling as i dont have time to worry about it so 
dont make it an issue
why are you trying to promote queerism since that queer judje and procecutor 
passed this law
good job i was not there as this law would never have passed
you can not put homo and les on the same level as a man and a woman in 
marriage
i am at this time disolving my marraige of 34 years as i will not be put 
together with
a screw up like this, to be put on the same level as generic regects
queer people even female queers should only be allowed an agreement not a 
marriage
sorry for callingf them queers but what else can you call a human reject
it is a queer creation even in the amason women frig men
head hunters frig women
cant understand you
stop with your advertising your queerness on radio
you are pissing people off that i know that are a normal human being that i 
talk to
i think you should back off a bit or you may not be on radio to long
good listening to you
ralph

LOL!
Wouldn't want to be controversial and be on talk radio too!
Learn to spell. (Some proper grammar would help too)

I've been listening to you nightly for about 2 months now and really enjoy all of your programs. Your ah, "bedside" manner is reassuring.
I drive a truck between London and Alliston and am fortunate enough to be within the CFRB signal when you are on. Wish I could listen to CFRB from London.
By the way I remember Mom and Dad listening to CFRB in the late 50's early 60's, but I digress.
A man called in to night to say he doesn't understand and doesn't buy our addictions as a disease (I am a recovering alcoholic) and that we should be able to turn off the supply like a tap and everything would be fine. I believe he said to stop helping us out.
I do detest narrow-minded people who give opinions on subjects they know nothing about. All he needs to do is open his eyes, he will see that turning addicts away doesn't work and that fine organizations like AA NA , etc. work very well for a lot of people.
As far as this being a disease, yes it is. In some cases it is self inflicted but in many cases it is society that gets the ball rolling. When I was growing up you were not a man if you did not get pissed to the eyeballs at every opportunity. Later on, stupidly enough, the same applied to drinking and driving.
Also, society makes sure that those who do not have a lot, never will have. Rich-richer, Poor-poorer. One thing that makes you feel real good for a while is some form of a drug. Next thing you know, you need this fix all the time just to keep your sanity but at the same time this fix is making you lose your sanity but you don't realize that. Aagh!!!
Thanks for letting me vent Mark.

Dan

Hi Mark,
I spoke to you on the phone at the end of August. I was explaining that my brother was really struggling with his addictions and that we (his siblings and parents) were at our wits end as he had been in rehab several times, we had helped him get apartments several times, he had stayed with all of us etc etc. I explained that we were so frustrated because he decided to start drinking again after 4 weeks without alcohol. He was staying at my parents at this time. You advised me to rally my family and for us to tell him that we love him and want to help him, but we will not let him stay with us or support him until he is ready to tackle his addictions. You also explained that alcoholics lie and manipulate and blame others. It was like you knew our family.
Anyway, it's six months later and my brother is 4 months sober and we are all rallying around him. He even joined us Christmas Eve and Christmas day for the first time in maybe 10 years. I can't thank you enough for the best advice I've ever received. We are cautiously and lovingly hopeful for our brother.

More power to you and your brother!
Glad to hear things have turned out so well! It's hard for us to recognize sometimes that "help" is such a double-edged sword. If we "help" an addict - give him a place to live, food to eat, clean clothes etc. we actually allow them to stay addicted. There's no problems for them, only for us.
When we get out of the way and let them fall, amazingly they end up hitting bottom and realize they have to change their ways.
Your family did something painful that worked for the good of all concerned!

What a mess you are--you do good work with your counselling--but announcing you're gay as well...good grief.

"well Tommy what does your dad do? He's a banker."
"yes, and johnny what does your father do? He's an accountant."
"yes,i see, and billy what does your father do? He's a doctor."

"oh yes, mark jr., what does your father do? He's a drunken, gay, drug addict."

Why are you so proud of being so screwed up?--you are one of the most screwed up people i've ever heard about.

A different lifestyle? ok--but the whole world doesn't need to know it! I don't introduce myself to people by saying, "Hi, I'm John and

i like Oriental women standing on one foot with antlers growing out of their head. 
You made your comments about Alliance member Spencer's comments and that's fine. But you don't need to brag that you are gay.
I can only imagine the pain you've brought to your wife and four children.

you missed my period as a communist in my youth. so it would correctly be "commie-fag-junkie."
sorry we all can't be as perfect as you. But in this case I'll let the Operations Manager of CFRB answer:

I think you miss the point ... what we have here is a gay man reacting to homophobic comments from a politician. If a black announcer was commenting on a racist comment about blacks by a politician no one would think twice about the person saying he's black and he finds these comments wrong.

Who better to respond to homophobic comments than a gay person.

Mark did the right thing. He brings his sexuality to the show because that is who he is. He brings his addiction to the show because that is who he is. It is part of the package of being Mark Elliot. He has walked in the shoes of all the people who call in with their problems. Been there, done that. It is why he is such a popular talk show host in Toronto.

As for the pain he's inflicted on his wife and four children ... I suspect being a fall down drunk and cocaine addict probably caused a lot more pain to his family than being openly gay on the radio.

So when you have your show and tell from the son of Mark Jr. It should really read as follows:

"Mark, what does your father do?"

Mark Jr. replies: "my father is on the radio ... he helps alcoholics, drug addicts, homosexuals and lesbians who are confused about life ... many people my dad helps on the radio want to kill themselves ... like this woman who sent my dad an e mail ..."My name is Georgie. I had called in to CJAD, People Helping People, about a month ago contemplating suicide. I don't know what posessed me at the time to call. Maybe it was your soft, gentle, sweet and honest voice or maybe just the fact that you have been through so much misery yourself but I felt comfortable talking to you." ... my dad isn't a doctor like my best friend Billy's dad ... he's a recovering alcoholic and a drug addict ... he's also gay so sometimes people pick on him ... "

The e mail by the way is real ... I read it just before I read your e mail.

Steve Kowch
Operations Manager
Newstalk 1010 CFRB

hi mark

just to follow up on that last e-mail I sent you, where I mentioned my 
buddy, who'd started using drugs, getting heavily into hallucinogens.
Well, last night we were at a party, and surprise surprise, he OD'd. He lay 
on the ground in my friend's
basement, twitching and freaking out, losing bladder control, and  
eventually becoming unresponsive.
Thankfully we got him to a hospital on time, and he's doing okay.
But, as you said in your response to Phil, it really dosn't take long till 
the "party's over".  My friend started out using casually, and always being 
careful, but all it took was one bad batch of whatever, one night, and he 
came very, very close to dying.
Sometimes, when you're just hanging out with friends, having fun, it seems 
ridiculous and exaggerated, the way people demonize drugs. You have a good 
time, and in a day or two, you're back to normal.  But when you actually 
watch someone close to you almost die, despite being "careful", all the  bad 
stuff people say makes a whole lot more sense.
I immediately thought of this Phil guy, when I was standing in a hospital, 
watching my friend get injected with muscle relaxants, slipping in and out 
of consciousness,  watching his mother crying her eyes out.  Phil's e-mail 
sounds so much like what my friend used to say. I sincerely hope he doesn't 
have to experience some kind of mishap in order to realize there are tons of 
other things he could do to stimulate his mind

Here's hoping,

Julia

To: peoplehelpingpeople(NOSPAM)@cfrb.com
Subject: Thanks and will be in touch

Talked to you on air @ 1 am. Gave my name as "Mark" ...my second name. Warren gave me your number ...also see it on the web. I will be in touch . Have listened to you for a bit...during the week and weekends. I have never called any program before. ...but damn it you know of what you say. Thanks

Dear Mark Elliot (or whoever is actually reading this),

  Hey there, I'm probably not your typical listener/writer you have on
your radio show or something. You see, I'm a recreational pot-smoker, (I
smoke every few days with my buddies) I've done acid, E, crack, and
shrooms, I smoke cigarettes, and drink alcohol with my friends. and I'm 15
years old. I am sick of drugs getting bad raps. I personally feel that
drugs have enhanced my life. You see, most people who do drugs inevitably
decline, until they hit rock bottom and either check in to rehab, or end
up as a star of a funeral. Others just choose to slowly eliminate their
short-term memory by occasionally smoking joints for years upon years. I
am 15, I get 90's in school. I think of my Academics as the up-most
priority in my life, and then drugs. I view drugs as an incredible s6ource
of self-exploration, creativity, knowledge, and enhance my existence. When
I 'trip out' on acid or something, I always make it a productive
experience. I make sure to get something o! ut of it, afterall, I didn't
spend 10 dollars just to have a good time and forget about it. When I go
on a trip, I write down feelings, thoughts, melodies, and everything that
comes to my head. If I hear things in my head, I transcribe them onto my
guitar or piano and play record them. I record my ramblings/rants onto
p6aper when I am high or stoned, and I basically do this to get a better
understanding of my brain and my body. Humans use 10% of their brains, If
they could tap into the other 90%, we could walk on water, fly, move
trucks with our thoughts, go to vast galaxies, and pretty much be
supernatural. Drugs and Alcohol have effects on our brains and I believe
that you tap into the sub-conscious or otherwise, shut-off, section of a
sober mind. Yeah, so this is basically a rant. The main thesis of this
is that, Drugs aren't necessarily a bad thing... In the right hands. Thank
you for the time, I! 'll be sure to call on Saturday, I dont know if your
show al lows it though... you know, because I'm 15. So if you could Email
me back with your opinion or telling me whether or not I could call in
would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time, and take care. By
the way, congratulations on the 15 years of staying clean! Peace.
 
 Sincerely,
                     Phil.

I guess I would have said about the same thing when I was 15. But, now I have a lot more to say about those feelings: Including the fact that if drugs really can open up the other 90% of your brain - Why is it that I know so many burnouts? If you can really find someone who's made a supernatural connection through drug use other than hallucinations CALL THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER AND GET THEM ON THE FRONT PAGE! The problem with being 15 is that you haven't experienced the downside of what happens with long-term drug use. All of us feel "immortal" when we are young - not having had a lot of negative using experiences yet. But, believe me - those do come later! One of the biggest problems for people who drink and use drugs when we're young is the lack of physical problems. Someone who drinks "like they have a hollow leg" gets a payback when one day we cross an invisible line and suddenly can't drink like that anymore. All the sudden, it doesn't work that way: We drink and get drunk, hung-over, achy and depressed. Even the booze doesn't work to take it away.

Drugs and alcohol lie to us and tell us everything is okay when it's not. They also send us into a fantasy believing they help us to think more deeply and clearly - When in fact there is no drug that improves our thinking...Drugs work by impairing our thoughts, but we believe the opposite. All drugs work by impairing your brain - not opening up the other 90% - They give you less brain power, not more!

You seem like a bright guy. But, your ideas are missing a few vital facts. If you have the open-mindedness to look into what I'm saying you'll find out I'm not lying to you and you just might be more wary of what you're doing to yourself. Here's hoping!

I want to commend you on your compassion last night with a couple of your callers who needed your ear and your wise counsel, specifically Georgie and Lorna(?) the woman who was loath to leave her abusive husband.

I can't say that I have been in a relationship that has involved abuse, but I felt for Georgie. I have been in her shoes, and in yours, too, with drugs and alcohol.

The patience and understanding you showed Georgie was truly wonderful.   You are a rare gem, in my opinion, and you provide an invaluable service to others.   I hope that you realize just how much you are appreciated.

I abused drugs and alcohol for years.   I am nearly, er, your age myself, and hubby and I drink beer (it's only beer! LOL!) one weekend day per week, staying sober the remaining six. During the week, I don't even think of alcohol.

More than one shrink disbelieved I was a true alcoholic.   They tended to believe that I was an abuser, and used it to dull the emotional pain that I was suffering at the time. I am sure that they are right. My husband was told the same thing by a different doctor.

I was also addicted to prescription pills for many years, but I do not take anything stronger than an aspirin when needed, and my 10 mgs. of Paxil at night to hold body and soul together.

I do agree with Jeffrey regarding his thoughts on suicide. Many different beliefs do think that suicide is the worst sin that any human can commit; it is almost like slapping the Great Creator in the face. And I believe that suicide victims must return to the earth without the help of guardian angels to try again....until they learn what they are put here to learn.

The ones they deeply hurt are the ones they leave behind.   Please don't think that I am not showing empathy for suicidal people; I care deeply. Heck, I tried to top myself more than once in the past but I obviously wasn't as good as it as I was at drinking!

Bless you for your work, may you keep it up for many years to come.

Eva

Hi ... please read the text below this from a friend of mine. I don't
know what to do ... she lives in California and I live in Toronto. She
already has an eating disorder I have been trying to get her through and now this
new found addiction to "crank". I'd go and sit with her for however long
it takes to get over these problems but it's an impossibility right now...
I've given her numbers to call regarding her eating disorder but she just
won't call them.
If you want to read this on the air for some reason, please edit all
personal information.

JeF

>_________________________________________________________________
>
> Mon, 06 Oct 2003 09:22:08 GMT

>Okay..another random email. I suppose I just need to get things out..and
>you're always been non-judging and understanding.
>Well...remember how I did crank? Well...my body is needing it so bad
>right now. I did way more than people usually do in several days...and it
>was my first time. I think I'm physically addicted and it's scaring the
>shit out of me. I'm about this close to calling the guy who smoked me out
>in the first place....just so i can do it again even though I don't know
>him.
>I really don't know what to do. I'm so stressed out right now and I know
>it will make me only momentarily feel better....but somehow that seems
>better than nothing.
>For the last few hours or so I've just been sitting on my couch wanting
>to smoke crank more than I want food. I've had no appetite since I did
>it....the only thing I've eaten since early friday morning was two pieces
>of candy, a 12oz smoothie and shitloads of water. I keep thinking i need
>to eat or I'm going to get sicker...but i get around food and I'm
>repulsed by it.
>None of this really matters because I know you can't do anything about
>it....but i don't know what to do and it is seriously really frightening.
>Why did i do this?!?!
>

Her letter pushes a lot of buttons for me because I felt the same way she describes when I was using.
It's a cry for help: But she's not sure she really wants help! Unfortunately it puts you in an untenable position because she's holding you hostage with the threat of what she could do to herself.
Friends don't blackmail friends.
Do you know her family or anyone close to her in California? They need to be made aware of the situation because they are in a position to actually do something. Preferably to get her into a hospital or a treatment center immediately!
She may not like you for doing it in the short term, but her life is at stake - And, friends don't let friends die!
Take it seriously and do something.

p.s. I almost deleted your email because of the header: I get too many Nigerian Money Letters and SPAM all marked "URGENT."
Luckily I thought to check yours before deleting...thanks

Hi Mark,

I saw your talk in Montreal a few years back
and it was great! Thanks and thanks for your
radio show.

My father was an alcoholic and have attended
al-anon meetings as a teenager and as an adult
to help myself be a better person. Your show
has helped me alot too. Thanks again.

I have a new girlfriend and we've together for a
about a month.

I've noticed that she cannot take compliments.
If I tell her she's beautiful, she doesn't know
what to say.

I brought it up and told her that alcoholic cannot
take compliments. She denied that she has a drinking
problem. She lives in Toronto and I live in Montreal.

She did run away from home in her early teens,
and was rebellious.

Mark, what could it be? I really love her.

Thanks

Erland

Sounds like a problem with low self-esteem

The problem with the child of an alcoholic is the same problem an alcoholic/drug addict/compulsive gambler/shopaholic/workaholic/sex addict/ or any other compulsive person has that we don't feel as good as anyone seems to think we are.

The confrontation when you told her what you felt went nowhere: So try being less subtle. She doesn't know how to accept a compliment - But, you can still show her your feelings by giving her respect and trust. True intimacy is when you take a risk with someone and share your real feelings with them. Not what you think they want to hear, or what you think you should say - but what you feel.

She's not ready to hear about love or commitment one month into a relationship. The way to demonstrate your feelings is by being honest and true. Don't tell her you love her - show it by your actions. Make her the priority when you get together. Do what she wants to do and don't push!

She'll learn from your actions that you are the real thing.

Dear Mr. Elliot,

My parents are frequent listeners of your show on CFRB and are aware of
your ability to reach people who feel they are beyond hope. I am
writing in hope of gaining some suggestions from you, to help my family
(this includes myself) deal with my younger brother's addiction
problems, as well as ways to help my brother. I am trying to write this
objectively, but I know it's going to sound judgmental.

Here is some background information:

My brother, who is now 32 years of age, has a long history of addiction,
as well as a very extreme personality. As far as his drug addiction
history, this stems back to experimenting with alcohol and drugs (I will
assume pot, hash, and acid) at roughly the age of 12 to 14. His
experimentation grew to an addiction problem with Cocaine and alcohol by
the age of 17, and possibly other drugs as well. He has mentioned use of
crack, LSD and other drugs whose names I am not familiar with (probably
lab-created chemical drugs). He went on to use and become addicted to
Heroin and is in the process of finishing a Methadone Program. He drinks
heavily at times, smokes pot a few times every day and chews tobacco
(rather than smoke it) to supplement the amount of Methadone he is now
taking. He says it takes the edge off and keeps him even tempered.

I would like to provide you with some background on our family and my
brother's personality, which you may find helpful. My brother was born
premature (apparently, this can have psychological effects on a child).
My father was self employed and spent very little time with either of
us. My brother was very energetic and needed constant supervision and
attention. My parents are unhappily married and remain together. When we
were young, there was constant friction (no child or spouse abuse) and
loud exchange of words. Neither my brother or myself live at home. We
both moved out about 15 years ago. Despite the fact that our parents
don't have the best relationship, they love us very much and want the
very best for us. They are supportive and readily available for both of
us, should we need their advice. Neither parent has an alcohol or drug
problem. Neither of our parents (or myself) smoke cigarettes or anything
else. There was no bad influence or bad example set in our house to this
extent. What I should mention is my brother's phenomenal ability to
change from one extreme to another. He decided one day to quit smoking
cigarettes, using cocaine and alcohol and succeeded for a number of
years. He decided that he wanted to race mountain bikes, rigorously
trained to do so (running half marathons every other day, riding a
stationary bike for 7 hours a day and weight training, as well as
cutting himself off socially from all his friends), entered a race,
placed third and quit, saying it was "too easy". Academically, my
brother is very bright. Despite getting thrown out of approximately 7
high schools, he decided to make the effort to finish high school and go
to university. He achieved high enough marks to get accepted to the
University where he completed 1.5 years of university, at
which time he met his wife (who left him 4.5 years ago largely due to
his use of Heroin and his verbal abuse). I guess he had too much fun
that his marks suffered and he either dropped out or was put on academic
probation. He and his wife (who also abuses alcohol and "soft" drugs)
spent years using drugs and thinking up ways to make money to obtain
more drugs. (I should mention that my parents made excuses for his drug
use - they made it seem as though his pot smoking was no big deal, that
many people do it. When he and his wife moved once, they stored a number
of pot plants in my parents' garage. They didn't bat an eye or
disapprove.) My brother now has a young son, who he does not live with.
We are concerned that he is not going to be around to see his son grow
up either because of an early death or incarceration.

My mother has suggested that my brother seek counseling. He went a few
times, but didn't feel that the counselor understood him. He also felt
judged. My brother is a very angry man who seems to point the finger at
everyone (infrequently at himself too) and assign blame. He has a very
volatile temper with a very short fuse. I am uncomfortable talking to
him, for fear of setting him off. He is very self righteous and
opinionated. It is very difficult to make a point with him because he is
often a poor listener. My mother seems to be the only one who can reach
him, so I am hoping that whatever you suggest, she can in turn repeat to
him.

We love my brother very much. I know the image I created here is not
very positive, but my brother is a good person. He loves my parents and
his son very much. He has so much potential and we would like to see him
happier than he is now. We would like him to realize that he can live a
normal, happy life without using drugs and alcohol. He has a very
spiritual side to him as well. He has been putting his life together in
the past year. He has been steadily employed as an electrical apprentice
and is doing very well. Socially, he seems to associate with people who
are as addicted or more so to various drugs and are either in very
destructive relationships or have been in abusive relationships. He has
never seemed to develop any long term friendships over the years either.

Mr. Elliot, thank you for your time. My mother is going to pass on your
website address to my brother, but I don't know that he is going to do
much with it. Any suggestions you can provide us with will be greatly
appreciated. God bless you for what you do. God knows we need people
like you to help us.

Chantale

I hate to say that there is no quick solution to your brothers troubles.
First he has to want help, then pursue it from there.
As a family you are well aware of what's really going on and encouraging him
in the right way. However, the obvious point for me is that it's you
writing the letter, not him.
The people looking for help are you and your family. And you should find
the help you need! I recommend a group called Nar-Anon for families and
friends of addicts. They work on themselves and find ways to deal with the
problems caused by their addicts. Reach them by calling 416.239.0096.
Give your brother my number at 416.928.2225. I see clients privately as
well as doing the radio show - although it's good for someone to listen to
me to get an idea of what I'm all about. It's a good introduction to what
real recovery is all about!
Feel free to call if there's a problem I can help you with.