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A Depressing Topic
“Why am I so unhappy?” This question has sold more self-help books over the years and turned recovery into a multi-million dollar business. Between the self-help books, therapies, exercises, forums, and seminars there are millions of otherwise normal people who want to feel better about themselves and refuse to believe that depression is a normal part of life and living. It is. Sad huh? We can and will be depressed. It’s a part of being human. Sickness is a fact of life. Sadly, some of us can accept physical illness in realistic terms, but not mental illness. Yet, all of us can and will get both physically and/or mentally ill at different stages of our lives. Too often we’ll try to beat an illness after the fact: Like taking vitamins after the cold has us already sniffling. Likewise, we’ll self-medicate to deal with depression: With more depressing results. Being both alcoholic and drug-addicted I self-medicated to distraction over the smallest problems. It began with a drink I took when I was 11 years old. A couple of shots of gin and tonic took me to the most wonderful place I’d ever been! Even throwing up afterwards didn’t stop me from wanting to go back there again and again and again, etc. So, I drank. Not knowing that alcohol is a depressant didn’t help. Clinical depression followed with many visits to psychiatrists and many prescriptions for the miracle drug of the day…Valium. I was told repeatedly: “It’s not addictive.” My family was reassured: “He’ll be just fine, just make sure he takes his pills.” Mom dutifully placed my pill beside the bowl with my cereal at breakfast, and packed the pills in a Kleenex with my lunch. I was told to take them whenever I needed them. So, I took enough to stop an active volcano (about 60-80 mg/day) and proceeded to lose track of my 14th and 15th years. My parents were relieved to get rid of the rebellious and dysfunctional teenager. But, likewise they were mystified when I became a living room ornament in front of the television set. All I needed was a little dusting now and then... they could vacuum around me. I was manageable, if lifeless. (I wonder aloud: “What’s happening with all these Ritalin kids?” But, that’s another column...) “A Cracked Plate” The great writer F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote a series of three little known essays on depression for Esquire Magazine in 1936, the year he died. In the midst of depression he "hated the night and hated the day." And referred to himself as "a cracked plate." Anyone who has endured a severe depression can identify with those descriptions. Fitzgerald is well remembered for his depressions. But most writers focus only on his psychiatric problems and annoyingly fail to mention his chronic alcoholism. On his gravestone was written "So we beat on boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." It makes me recall those words I’ve heard so many times in the preamble of the AA meetings that “we neither wish to relive the past, nor close the door on it…” The Most Natural Feeling for an Alcoholic is: Depression Once when I complained of depression to my sponsor, he listened patiently and carefully then told me: “The most natural feeling for an alcoholic is to be depressed.” He added that it comes with the turf. “It’s the most natural feeling we know, and it’s a part of who we are.” I was troubled by the concept of “naturally feeling depressed,” until I stumbled across a book called “A New Pair of Glasses” by the late Chuck C., one of the founding members of AA in Los Angeles. In it, Chuck writes about “the sensitivity we feel.” How we are super-sensitive to life and everything that goes on in it. Use the words “Sensitive” and “Alcoholic” in the same sentence... Strange but true: Alcoholics are incredibly sensitive people. Chuck tells a story of one of his friends who was found by his wife one evening just after dark. Drunk, he was lying in a crumpled heap by the picture window in the living room. Years later after he’d sobered up, she mentioned that night. Only, now he was able to recall the night vividly and told her about drinking and watching the sunset through that picture window...it moved him to tears it was so breathtakingly beautiful! He watched until it disappeared over the horizon... then fell to the floor crying where she found him. Doctor, We Need More Anesthetic… For the most part: Alcoholics and drug addicts are amazingly sensitive people who can’t cope with their own sensitivity. We anesthetize our feelings to cope with the unbearable emotions we would otherwise have to endure. Deadening the pain, dumbing down, and numbing out were all responses I knew very well! I did myself a disservice avoiding emotions that were uncomfortable. There is no such thing as “bad feelings”. We tend to class emotions, as “Good Feelings” like: Joy, Happiness, Gratitude, Trust, Love, Security, etc… And, “Bad Feelings” like: Fear, Anger, Rage, Hatred, Pain, Resentment, etc… Truth is: Feelings simply “are”. They are neither good nor bad! All the emotions we have are all the emotions we need! In my addiction I tried to abolish all bad feelings so that I could feel good all the time. An impossibility! But, I tried! And kept on trying! An alcoholic wants to feel good all the time, with the result that we get constant waves of depression. That feeds the need to drink more to overcome the depression so we won’t feel bad... and the treadmill continues. What’s So Good About Feeling Bad? Lots! Personally, depression and anxiety have been the biggest motivators to make me change my behavior. Looked at in that sense, they are positive feelings that help me to stay on track! “If you were driving along with nothing on the dashboard, you wouldn’t know if you were running out of gas,” according to my sponsor.(He’s a mechanic... makes everything in life sound like car trouble...) “An alcoholic will see an indicator light as a pain; something that’s put there to ruin his day. The light is saying: the engine is overheating, and that means trouble. But, how does the alcoholic fix it? By disconnecting the warning light! It’s still difficult to accept depression as a part of life. I tried medicating my way through life, and that didn’t work! Now, in recovery I get all these people who have problems that are so much bigger than my own... In fact, most times I’ll walk into a meeting with 2000 pounds of problems on my back, feeling really sorry for myself! Only to find someone else with more trouble than I ever dreamt of! And that’s a key to getting out of the depression. Putting someone else’s concerns ahead of my own... Suddenly, my 2000 pounds becomes a balloon with a hole in it... it shrinks down to manageable size in no time! As my sponsor says: “If you feel bad; talk to a guy who’s going to jail...” Feeling better? Mark Elliot is the host of “People Helping People”. An openline talkshow about addictions and recovery heard Nightly on C.F.Y.I. Talk 640, Toronto & AM 800 CKLW Windsor/Detroit. Online at www.markelliot.com Copyright 2000, 2001 The Elliot Company Inc.
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